What People Really Expect When They Give You Things “On the House”

Getting free stuff is cool.

Getting free stuff when you don’t expect it, when you’re taking out your wallet and not even bothering to look at how few bills you’ll have left because you want that coffee so badly, is even cooler. And the fact that the iced mocha was probably free because the barista found you attractive tops the situation off with a nice dollop of ego-boost whipped cream.

What kills this beautiful moment, however, is the terrible truth that this barista really just wants to have your babies. And then leave you.

He/She would not be a supportive parent, because it would be to his/her advantage to procreate with a handful of other coffee addicts (maybe not “addicts,” because that involves a slew of problems, but, whatever). You should probably take him/her up on this offer, anyway. His generosity may be a sign that your offspring would be likely to get mates of their own. Maybe they would also become sexually successful baristas.

Or they would be that freaky kind of nice, so they would give away all their food and die.

Either way, it’s good to know that what’s behind this flattering behavior is the barista’s desire to push his/her genes into your unborn child. You’re right in thinking that he/she wants to sleep with you; it isn’t that difficult to figure out. But he/she wants more than a good night: the human need to ensure gene propagation has overtaken his/her life and you are the newest victim of such a sleazy move.

That free coffee’s kind of creepy.

Published at See Gauge Blog on February 17, 2012.

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